What is Parallel Parenting?

Have you ever heard of parallel parenting?

Following the end of any marriage or relationship in which young children are involved, the main priority for any parent is to ensure their routines remain as consistent and happy as possible amidst the unavoidable disruption to their day-to-day life.

While separated parents might agree to engage in co-parenting with their ex-partners, many are now taking the decision to ‘parallel parent’. 

In parallel parenting, each divorced parent views the days they have the kids, according to the parenting schedule in the divorce agreement, as their days alone. On their assigned days, each parent chooses to be completely responsible for all parenting duties needed. They do everything for the kids themselves, without involving the other parent at all.

One reason for the popularity of parallel parenting is that it is a natural way for divorced couples to continue the way they lived before the separation or divorce. It’s more common now than in previous generations for women to have important careers they wish to nurture. So in many cases, parenting duties are shared between spouses while married or in a relationship.

It’s not uncommon for a married couple to have an arrangement, for example, where on Mondays and Wednesdays, Dad would work late, and Mum agreed to pick up the kids from school and take care of them until bedtime. Then, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, they would switch roles and Mum would work late, and Dad would take care of the kids. That’s a form of parallel parenting.

If this couple then split up or get a divorce, they may well choose to carry on parenting in the same way they did when they were together. Believing since it worked for them while married, it will work just fine when divorced. But is this true? The only difference is they are now parallel parenting from two separate households.

But that’s not the only reason. Given the nature of divorce or break-ups, it’s perfectly natural to have feelings of animosity towards an ex. But one or both parents are smart enough to realise they don’t want their conflict to spill over onto their children. Parallel parenting helps them prevent that from happening by keeping their parenting time separate and allowing them to stay out of each other’s way.

Can parallel parenting can actually be good for kids?

Kids need routine, even if they don’t say so. In parallel parenting, it’s always clear which parent the child will be with and who’s taking care of them. This means no confusion. The child can settle into their routine, and from what we’ve seen with clients of ours, they do really well. Also, parallel parenting gives kids uninterrupted time with just one parent. This can make their bond stronger. Any parent will tell you that one-on-one time is super important for staying close to your kids. Plus, during this uninterrupted time, kids can learn important things from each parent. Each parent brings their own unique ideas and skills to parenting, and life in general.

There are also other ways parallel parenting can help kids indirectly. For example, many parents we know have to travel for work. With parallel parenting, they can take these trips during their off weeks. Then, when they’re home with the kids, they can focus completely on being a parent. Or, on their non-parenting days, they can have some “grown-up time” – go out with friends, hit the gym, or take care of household chores.

In both cases, the parent doesn’t feel guilty or stressed about trying to do everything at once. This means they can be their best selves when they’re with their kids, which is great for the children.

The difference between parallel parenting and co-parenting is simply how they parent and share time with the children.

In parallel parenting, one parent (let’s call them the “on-duty parent”) will be the one to fully care for, transport, help with homework, and get the children to school, while the other parent is “off-duty.” In this case, let’s say if the on-duty parent is unable to care for the children during their parenting time, it’s solely their responsibility to find an alternative caregiver like a babysitter or other family member, rather than asking the other parent. Also, the custodial parent would attend the children’s extracurricular activities alone. This may allow them to enjoy the activity more without having to interact with their ex-spouse, especially if there’s a conflict between them.

In co-parenting, while one parent is considered on-duty, both parents are welcome to engage with the children and participate in activities, even when it’s not their scheduled time. For example, if one parent has the children for a full week but there’s a baseball game and dance recital that week, both parents could attend those events. In a co-parenting arrangement, it’s also common to encourage weeknight dinners or contact with the off-duty parent. So even if a child is staying with one parent, the other may come over one night for dinner or take the kids out. Also in co-parenting, if the on-duty parent can’t provide care as scheduled, the agreement states the other parent will make themselves available to fill in.

In any divorce or separation, kids must come first. If you think parallel parenting might hurt your kids in any way, you should think twice about doing it. This might even mean you and your ex need to go to counselling to learn how to get along as co-parents.

Also, write down clear rules about when it’s okay to contact the other parent during their off-duty time, and how you’ll do it. For example, you might agree that texting is the only way you’ll communicate. And maybe you’ll only text if there’s a medical emergency or if the school wants a meeting with a teacher.

Finally, keep an eye on how things are going. Kids change as they grow up. So even if parallel parenting worked well before, it might not always. Be ready to change your plan to fit your kids’ needs. Do what’s truly best for them, even if it means you and your ex have to be on your very best behaviour!

Find more advice about becoming a single parent here.